Manage the ‘Quite Contrary’

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells
And pretty maids all in a row.

Every family has their own ‘Mary, Quite Contrary;’ the one that has to do things their own way. And every one of us has days when we don’t want to do anything, for anybody, for any reason. In fact, I’m surprised that Mary, Quite Contrary even answered the question! When my kids turn into ‘Quite Contraries’ I’m lucky if I get any acknowledgement at all.

Dealing with contrary kids is a pain. They never choose convenient times to refuse to do what I ask, or start throwing food, or lay down in the middle of the store and refuse to walk anymore, or begin yelling at me in public or at home. But when is it ever convenient?

The most important thing I try to remember when dealing with my ‘Quite Contraries’ is that all of the consequences that normally happen  MUST remain in full force. I need to remain consistent. The hardest part is remaining calm.

Knowing why my kids are pitting themselves against me helps me to stay calm and consistent even in the heaviest storms.

I have found that there are three main reasons that my children turn into ‘Quite Contraries’.

1 – They are hungry or tired, or both. This is the most common reason that my kids become hard to deal with.

I have two children that turn into little devils when they get hungry. They refuse to do anything I ask of them until they are fed. Everything feels impossible to them. When my children are tired their voices cease to sound normal and only come out as a whine. It’s a nightmare when they are hungry AND tired. I become surrounded by little whiny devils who can’t do anything!

The great thing about this cause for contrariness is that there is an easy solution. I feed them, and we go to bed a little early that day. 🙂

2- I have been bossy. This happens a lot when life gets super busy and I get stressed.

As the parent of very small children, I make most of the decisions about how we spend our time. But that doesn’t mean I can be rude about it. I need to be considerate to everyone, even the very young people in my life. Especially them. They are watching me, and they are learning how to treat people by how I treat them. When I start to get too bossy, they start to give it right back to me. They tell me, “No.” Or they just pretend they didn’t hear me. Or they do the exact opposite of what I want.

Correcting this trend takes a little more time and effort on my part. I have to make an effort to take their needs and wants into consideration. I try to remind myself that they are people who want to make choices too. Getting things back into perspective and admitting that I have been bossy usually helps me do better at asking nicely and letting my kids choose things for us to do.

As I give some control of our lives over to them, and stop telling them everything they should or shouldn’t do, they become more willing to help me and to do what I want when I really need them to. Just the power of choosing whether to have chicken and rice soup or chicken and dumplings for dinner works wonders!

And the more often I give options like that, the better.

3 – They are testing me. This is a real thing and it’s the hardest reason to deal with.

When anything changes in the lives of my little ones, they usually start to test me. They want to know if the boundaries I have set are still there. And as weird as it sounds, they feel comfort knowing that I am still the same, and the consequences for their choices are still the same. If I start to give in, their acting up gets worse. They need to know where that boundary is of what is acceptable and what is not.

When this is the reason behind the contrariness, I just have to stick it out. Sometimes it is a one-day test. Other times it feels like I’m in finals week! When I feel that I am about to lose my calm I try to get myself to my room, or get my kids to theirs, as soon as possible. We all just need time to pull ourselves together. Through consistence and persistence (and sometimes many tears) we make it through these times.

No matter what the reason for contrariness, the consequences are still the same. But, having an understanding of what my kids are going through makes it possible for me to remain calm, and still show them I love them even when they are not acting very loveable.

We are all more eager to please those we love when we feel comfortable, in control, and that we are loved in return.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With hugs, and love, and kisses for
My little ones all in a row.